Will You Let Me Be Your Servant?
This past week I dealt with a sore throat, and after being advised to stay home for a day or two while getting results back from a COVID test (which fortunately came back negative!), I was slowed back down to a normal pace of life. Not only had I been racing in work to get things planned, prepared, and done but my mind had also begun to move at an unbelievably fast rate. I could barely focus on anything during my days because of the quickness of my work days and the amount of work I was attempting to complete all at once. This often will happen to me because I struggle with a mental disorder called OCD, which stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. When I get busy, my mind tends to repeat the same track or phrase in order to deal with the stress and busyness, and this results in a lack of focus and general decrease in self-confidence. It’s debilitating for it removes one from the present moment and traps them in a vicious cycle in their head - they may seem to be present but often are responding out of habit or courtesy. They are really performing damage control as their inner monologue sends them into deeper stress or anxiety.
While people generally don’t like to be sick, I thank God for the cold I received this week because it slowed me down so that I could remember my Belovedness and be healed of my blindness, a term I often use to describe my OCD. The healing was slow, but it came to a front last Friday when I found myself in Eucharistic Adoration sitting in front of the Blessed Sacrament. It is hard to describe the consolation I received in that prayer - it was like a rich silence that satisfied all of my hunger and yet made me more hungry. I hungered more and more for that Love that tells me I am good, that I am known, that I am holy. I was mystically brought back to the center of my entire being remembering God’s deep, deep Love for me, and it was the Eucharist that brought me back to this Reality.
We do not often get opportunities like this to remember such deep beauty in our lives, but for me, it is of utmost importance to pray in such a way as to remind me of this Love. It is too easy to be told by my mind that if I do a good job, if I do not sin, if everyone likes me, or if I pray with enough piety, then I will be loved by God and find peace. Peace starts with letting God be my servant. It starts with believing the Truth that I am indeed one of His Beloved children. Then, I am able to do good work, I am able to be holy, I am able to love, and I am able to pray because of His Love. This all reminds me of a few words that St. Paul himself wrote to the Corinthians regarding Love:
“If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.
And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.
If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)
If I do not let God love me and do not let this Love possess me, then everything will be done in vain because it will all be focused on my own empty heart. It is only in Him that I can do anything at all, and it is often the Eucharist that brings me back to this reality. I invite those who read this blog to spend some time in Eucharistic Adoration this week to remember their own Belovedness in the eyes of God. Do not lose this Love for it is the only thing that anchors us to reality - cling to it and trust in the Lord to keep you close to Him. May we receive the grace to trust in His Merciful Love and let our Belovedness shine for His glory for others to see.
This 7th day of November - Year of St. Joseph 2021
Feast of the Four Crowned Martyrs